Day 49 – The Decision at the age of 12 that altered my life forever…
I understand that this is a very dramatic title, but it’s true and is the follow-up that I promised from Day 5 when I told you the story of Daddy knocking my teeth out.
I know it’s been a while since Day 5 so you can either go back and read it on my Facebook page or I’ll give you some details now. I was in the 6th grade and had been wrestling with a boy down the street. We called it a fight, but it was just roughhousing really.
Anyway, Daddy came into my room that night after drinking, as usual, and decided he was going to show me how to fight. It was after midnight and I was only half awake, kids can really get into a deep sleep, and I was, so I really didn’t realize what was happening. I just knew I was scared. He took my hands, rolled on his back put his foot on my stomach and proceeded to flip me over his head. If he had explained it, I would have just tucked my chin, rolled with it and I would have been alright…but he didn’t explain.
So, I landed on my front teeth, knocking them both out and you can read Day 5 for the rest of the story.
I’m not sure when it was after that, but I came to the conclusion that I was on my own. Daddy was never going to be there for me and Mama was overwhelmed with life and Daddy, so that was it. My decision at age 12 was that I would take care of myself and there was no one I could really trust at the end of the day, but me.
The name given me was Duke (Day 7 – A name to live up to…) which meant leader, so I determined that I would lead myself. It served me VERY well in life, because I felt I didn’t need anyone, I could take care of myself. But it also damaged a lot of relationships, including my first marriage and cut me off from a lot of people.
I never knew how damaging it was until one day about eight years ago. I don’t remember exactly what time of year it was, but the mental process of that event, as they say, was clear as a bell. This means from the age of 12 until I was 64 I operated under this protection mechanism to take care of myself.
I was sitting in the parking lot of the Safeway store I used to go to and for some reason I felt rejected and abandoned, which was and is my real Achilles heel. What happened next, which was the pattern I followed, was a deep process that felt so normal and natural that I never recognized it. But this time, for some reason, it was like I was on the outside looking in at myself and this line of thinking.
As I said, rejection or abandonment gets triggered and I would immediately go into a deep feeling of both of these emotions, but my nature is and has always been to fight back and fight back hard. There is almost an instantaneous meteoric rush of independence and feeling that I don’t need anyone or anything…I WILL OVERCOME whatever it is, on my own.
The result is that I shut down go inward, protect, guard, and prepare for strategic moves to take on whatever is coming. Events and situations that would cause most to crumble or retreat, I can take on straight ahead…until it’s over and then I collapse like a gladiator who has given his all in the arena…winning, but exhausted.
That day in the parking lot, I observed this all for the first time from the outside and realized that this may have protected me for the last 50+ years, but it’s time to change.
To make a mental decision to change is one thing, but what I realized was that I had to catch this mental process early in the stages because once I go down that path of descending into the depths of abandonment and make the turn to rise above it all, there is such a surge of adrenaline (which feels like courage and power) that it is hard not to crave that feeling…I hope that makes sense and give you a sense of what happens.
The better option and one that I had to start reprogramming in my life, which is no small task after 50 years, was that I don’t need my own “surge of courage and power” when I have God to go to, He is my source. I can go to Him, and He has the power to move heaven and earth if need be. I knew intellectually that King David did this in the most desperate of times, but I wasn’t practicing it on a regular basis in order to make a life change.
I decided that the adrenaline rush I was getting wasn’t worth it and not nearly as good as being able to stay neutral and have God and His angels work things out for me. I began the process of trying to catch myself every time and choose a new way.
I say “trying” because even now it’s still a work in progress, but that’s life I suppose. We learn a new process and we practice it. We will not get it right every time, but at least we have made a shift to a new way of thinking.
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