Day 60 – The dark days of Minnesota
It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I realized I had S.A.D. called “Seasonal Affect Disorder”. It is defined as “… a type of depression that comes and goes in a seasonal pattern. SAD is sometimes known as “winter depression” because the symptoms are usually more apparent and more severe during the winter.”
This showed up in a big way in Minnesota, where the sun doesn’t come up until 8 AM or so and it’s dark by 4:30 PM in the winter. It is really a shame because Minnesota winter really is beautiful. I love the snow falling, warm fires, glistening landscape and even the rugged feeling of overcoming the elements.
In the beginning, I did not know what was wrong with me. My first thought, because of my mindset at the time, was that it was a “spiritual attack” or that I was too weak to handle life on my own.
If you know anything about me, you know that is not my character at all. I usually take things head on and figure it out. I had been known in the ministry of being able to deal with very complicated and troublesome issues. A diagnosis like “depression” had to be totally out of the question. And yet there I was in Minnesota, where it seemed like it was dark day and night.
Take the depression, compound it with guilt that I shouldn’t feel this way, add ignorance of any medical condition and you have a formula for disaster. I could put on a good face. I could press through my responsibilities, but in the early mornings and late at night, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend that nothing existed.
Checking out is hard to do when you are responsible for 7 states and the leadership and people in those states, not to mention being a very public personality having to teach the bible multiple times a week. You can only put on a good face and persevere for so long before your world starts to crumble.
It would be another 10-12 years before I figured it out completely, but in the meantime, I condemned myself for being weak in mind and spirit. I struggled with ways to overcome it. Thankfully, or so I thought, when the spring and summer came, it went away, so I thought I had beat it. Then the next year it would happen all over again.
When I moved to California, which I will talk about later, it got better because winters were not really a thing out there. But when I moved back to the Midwest or even Virginia with its overcast winter days, it would return to haunt me. I finally talked to someone in Virginia, and they helped me out with some natural herbs that immediately made things better and now that I know what it was, my world has changed dramatically.
One thing I hopefully learned was to never be afraid to ask or check out something that feels wrong. Seeking medical or professional help is a courageous act, so don’t hesitate from getting the help you need when you need it.
A few more things happened in Minnesota that I will share in the next couple of days, but this is enough for now.
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